Rose Petals In the Mud

Pre-Derby broadcast!  It’s Christmas!  It’s the Super Bowl!  It’s The Day of All Days!

• It’s… an interview with LeAnn Rimes, which signals that it’s also time to immediately go away from Christmas, the Super Bowl, and The Day of All Days for a little while. LeAnn’s world-ending hat seems to be doing most of the talking anyway:  “I’m really really excited!”

• “When we come back, we’ll hear from Michael Jordan.  He’ll give us his picks.”  Apparently NBC has gone with a Focus on Everybody and Everything Having Absolutely Nothing to do With Horse Racing, and it is with great anticipation I await Corey Haim’s thoughts on broccoli fair trade laws, or maybe, if we’re lucky, a dissertation on Bavarian classical art history from Kentucky Derby Barbie.

• One of the NBC reporters, quote, has tackled New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, who, after thirty seconds of the microphone staring him in the face, actually says the following as he casts about for a way to express human amusement:  “Haha.”

• If anyone in East Louisville is currently missing an awning, Michael Jordan is wearing it with extreme prejudice. He offers no explanation for his patio wear, stating only, “Intensity has been built around this for years, well before Michael Jordan.”  I will have to check into this, as I have been rather reliably informed by ESPN and several athletic wear companies that the world did not exist before Michael Jordan did.

• Bob Baffert, we are told, was “up early this morning trying to recapture that special Derby feeling,” a procedure which apparently demanded carrying a fey parasol stolen from a four-year-old girl.  It features ponies prancing about a verdant background and might also emit showers of glitter and the scent of jasmine on the quarter-hour.  Bob isn’t even trying anymore.

• GARY STEVENS!

• GARY STEVENS!!

• GARY STEVENS!!!!

• GARY STEVENS!, in a red tie, is clearly pursuing That Special Derby Feeling via the road of fine neckwear.  Bob Costas reminds us that “when springtime arrives in Kentucky, hope comes along with it.”  Also arriving in Kentucky?  Hideously overblown cliches.

• Shot of the saddle towels being laid out for the Derby.  I’m really not sure what to think about this without Michael Jordan to guide me.

• Someone got the spectacular idea of sitting Jay Leno down in front of a bale of hay and four small children.  This cannot end well.

• Sloppy track this afternoon, but one that’s holding somewhat.  Bad for the horses who like a nice firm track; good for the horses who are “mudders,” pure suckation for the horses who are like, “Aw, *&#%, it’s raining?” and just want to go back to bed.

• Bob Baffert is also wearing a red tie.  Either this is obviously the Official Neckwear of That Special Derby Feeling, or he and GARY STEVENS! are forming some sort of terrifying equine-based glee club.  The interviewer actually says the words “your attitude” to Big Bob’s face and does not get his voice box ripped right out of his throat.

• Oh look, LeeAnn Rimes is back.  Oh look, I need more beer.

• There are two ways in which NBC could reference last year’s tragic breakdown of Eight Belles:  It could classily show her memory plaque at Churchill Downs, and share full footage of the pre-race ceremony named in her honor; or it could roll around in the barely-healed grief of her connections, bewailing the varied and splendorous ways in which the United States of America, equine drugs, tracks, owners, trainers, breeders, grooms, jockeys, and veterinarians, but not journalists, suck.  You will never guess which way this went.

• So much time has been spent discussing how awesomely awesome the call for “Riders up” will be that by the time said call is actually made, we hear it, but don’t necessarily see it.  Oh, well, at least we have the call to post to look forward to; surely they won’t screw tha—

• Crap.

• Papa Clem, currently at 13-1, is practically placing his back hooves on the rail and his front hooves in the grandstand in order to announce that these hats, these cameras, and these awning-wearers are pissing him right off.  I feel you, Papa.

• General Quarters, owned and trained by everybody’s grandpappy, goes by, and Tom Hammond reminds us that anyone rooting against this horse is allowing the terrorists to win.

• Closeup on Todd Pletcher, who has saddled his usual multiple Derby entries and awaits his usual multiple Derby epic fail.

• And they’re off.  A tiny little part of me is hoping that the telemarketer who called four times yesterday will try it again within the next two minutes, if only to form the basis of a justifiable homicide.

• Ewwwww, muddy horsies.

• General Quarters twelfth.  Polident, AARP, and Disney World’s marketing teams:  “S–t.”

• Has this field not met Calvin “I (Heart) the Rail” Borel?  Or a muddy track for that matter?  There’s a bit of a bias on that inside, and while everyone else flounders in the sloppy traffic, he’s on the somewhat more solid ground and at least five lengths ahead, texting his accountant to figure the taxes on ten percent of Derbydom.

• Mine That Bird, across the finish line for a 51-1 upset.  Suck it, sheiks.  Back under the parasol, Bob.

• Borel is two for three in the Kentucky Derby and will never want for sexual partners for the rest of his natural or artificially extended life.  Mine That Bird, not so much.  Poor b’d’s a gelding.

• A sobbing Calvin mentions his mother and father, and interviewer Donna Brothers, clearly thinking he’s not sobbing enough, reminds him that they are dead, dead, dead.

• After the interview, Calvin slaps Mine That Bird’s neck so hard that the colt starts, and is like, “Dude, dial it back from eleven.”  Calvin takes to slapping the outrider instead, and also the groundskeepers, the cameraman, the gate crew, four mint julep concessionaires, and the people in the MetLife Blimp.

• Tom Hammond reminds us that Mine That Bird was purchased from a Wal-Mart SuperCenter for fourteen dollars and seventy-five cents, and the team had to walk from New Mexico to Churchill Downs barefoot, uphill, and in the snow.  The owner, trainer, and groom own something like one roller skate between the lot of them, and since he is trained by Tiny Tim, the horse has to drive himself back to Albuquerque.

• Bob Costas wants to know if Mine That Bird’s owner, Mark Allen, is just regular happy, or “beyond happy.”  Allen confirms that he “ain’t got no feelings in me right now. ”  I think Mr. Allen does have some feelings inside of him, and those feelings are officially sponsored by bourbon.

• Tom Hammond jinxes the universe by proclaiming that Mine That Bird is as of five minutes ago totally able to win the Triple Crown.  GARY STEVENS! continues to wear his tie. Aaaaaannnnd… scene.

my but that felt good at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com