Gee, Thanks

I was waiting for Happy Mr. Pharmacy Supplier to fill a Happy Pill prescription recently, and, as though I had another reason to be thankful at that moment, I came upon a gift book ordering me to experience gratitude for 500 other things.

That’s the whole book.  It’s a list of five hundred thanks-inspiring items, and I failed to show full gratitude by paying $10.99 for it.  I did, however, stand there in the pharmacy and read it cover to cover, to judge the full extent of my apparent ungratefulness.

For starters, I am thankful that there was no one author listed on the jacket, because now I feel comfortable with letting everyone know how much it sucks.  This was a book by committee.

Not surprisingly, it also reads like the Bible of Things Guilty White People Are Supposed to Like.  YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THANKFUL FOR THESE, DAMMIT:

• soy milk
• Oprah’s Book Club
• farmers’ markets
• brown rice
• recycling
• Bob Dylan
• trail mix
• natural food stores
• Anne Lamott books
• hyper allergenic soap
• Maya Angelous’ poetry
• NPR
• Bono
• bran

The remaining items of 500 Things To Be Thankful For were generated by hurling a dictionary against a wall and typing the first word to strike the ground:  “Guacamole!”  “Party hats!”  “Cuckoo clocks!”  “Sports mascots!” What, tubas don’t get any love?  The U.S. Government Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry?

Once that well’s drawn dry, however, there’s nothing for it but to fill out the 500 with repetition.  Man, why is gratitude so haaaaaaaaard?  Probably because TV’s on a hiatus until November sweeps, and it really, really sucks, you know?

• hiking in the woods
• hiking
• a beckoning mountain trail

And:

• home gyms
• exercise DVD’s
• “There’s a lot of cool exercise equipment for the home.”

And:

• songs around a campfire
• stories around a campfire
• ghost stores around a campfire

And:

• the armed forces
• our brave men and women in the military

This last one, I can’t get to pissed about, because if anything deserves a double mention, it’s the military.  But The Firm?  Not so much.

I grabbed my Smile Drugs and ran.  I’d need a double dose today, having realized that we living in a society in which someone decided that we needed to be reminded for all we have… and then couldn’t think of enough of them.

grateful for The Readers, and will say so FOUR times at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com